How to discover your personal values
Figure out who you want to be and how you want to show up.
Which three words capture the person you want to be?
How do you want to show up day to day?
Are you ready to discover your values?
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Your personal values shape how you want to behave and who you want to be. They guide your actions and decisions every day. As you grow and change, your values will too, and that’s completely natural. Getting clear on them is the first step to living a life that feels real and true to you.
Personal values
Your personal values are about how you want to act and the kind of person you want to be. They’re your personal “how”, the qualities that guide your actions and your way of being. These values shape the stories you tell yourself about the person you want to show up as in the world. They influence how you answer questions like “How do I want to relate to the world around me?” and “What kind of person do I want to be?” For example, someone might want to be truthful and genuine (value: honesty) or approach life with originality and fresh ideas (value: creativity). You can find more examples in Appendix A.
Only you can decide how you want to live your life, and only you can choose which personal values matter most. This doesn’t mean focusing solely on yourself. It means taking charge of what matters to you instead of letting others decide for you. You don’t need to defend your values, and neither do others. Although some values are more helpful than others. When someone has different values, it doesn’t automatically mean theirs are better or worse. Usually, it means their values are different, shaped by their own experiences and choices.
Your values aren’t fixed. They shift as your life circumstances and perspectives change. Life events, new experiences, and fresh insights can alter what matters most. A value that felt essential years ago may fade, while new ones rise in importance as you grow. For example, you might focus on career success in your twenties but later place more value on family or health. Staying open to this natural change keeps your values meaningful and relevant, guiding you to make choices that truly reflect who you are today.
Values aren’t goals. Goals have an end date. Once you reach them, they’re finished. Values keep going. Being honest, for example, is a lifelong process. Stop being honest, and you’re no longer living by that value. Your values guide how you move toward your goals. They shape your behavior, influence your choices, and affect how you act along the way.
You can control how you behave. Your actions reveal what you truly value. Words matter less than what you do. For example, you might say fitness matters, but you’re out of breath after a single flight of stairs. You might value gratitude, yet you’re never satisfied. You may believe in nonviolence, but sometimes act angrily. Your character grows from the values you choose to live by. Others notice those values and see them as traits that define who you are. For instance, if you take your obligations seriously, people see you as conscientious.
To close the gap between your personal values and your daily actions, turn your values into clear, practical principles you can live by. Values are about how you want to live. To discover what you want to do, start by figuring out your life purpose.
The importance of knowing your personal values
Your personal values are like a compass. They strengthen your sense of self, make decisions easier, give you courage when it counts, drive healthier habits, and build trust. For more details, see: Why is it important to know your personal values?
How to figure out your personal values
Create your list of personal values using one or more of the techniques below. Review the list to make sure it feels complete. Then consider how helpful each value is for you. Finally, choose your core values.
1️⃣ List your personal values
Use one or more of the techniques below to create your list of personal values. Write them down. You’ll need them for the next steps and for future reference. Remember, values are about how you want to behave (doing) and the kind of person you want to be (being). See Appendix A for examples to get you started.
Give each value a name and a short description of what it means to you, starting with “I”. For example: Honesty – I am truthful and genuine with myself and others. Put each value into your own words because the name alone is too general. Keep it brief. One clear, personal sentence is enough.
Grab a pen and paper or open a new document. Write ‘Personal Values’ at the top, then start your list. Aim for ten to fifteen values.
👉 Select values from a list
This simple method is often used in leadership and coaching programs. Search online for an existing list, using terms like “list of personal values” or “values worksheet.” Or use the values list in appendix A. Scan the list and select the values that feel most relevant to you.
👉 Imagine your funeral
Picture your own funeral. What qualities do you hope people remember? Kindness, honesty, courage, or creativity? What kind of person, partner, parent, child, friend, or colleague do you want their words to reflect? For details, see: How do you want to be remembered?
👉 Imagine your 100th birthday
Instead of imagining your funeral, picture your 100th birthday. What would you like people to say about your character?
👉 Answer life-values questions
Reflect on one or more of the life-values questions in: Who do you want to be?
👉 Determine your role models
Discover your values by identifying the qualities you admire most in your role models. For details, see: Who do you want to model your life after?
👉 Go from goals to values
To uncover your personal values through your goals, see: What you think you want is not what you really want.
👉 Picture your ideal self
Write down how you’d handle a few challenging situations at your best. This helps reveal your core values. For more, see: How would your ideal self handle this?
2️⃣ Check your list of values
Review your list by asking yourself:
🤔 Which personal values am I missing?
For example, if you go to the gym five times a week to lift weights and do aerobic exercises, you might expect to see something like:
Fitness – I do whatever it takes to stay fit.
Check your calendar too. How you actually spend your time and energy can highlight your real values, whether or not they match the ones you wrote down.
Add any missing values to your list.
3️⃣ Validate your list of values
Some personal values help you build the life you want more than others. Go through your list and check each one against these questions:
👉 Is it grounded in reality?
👉 Is it constructive?
👉 Can you fully control it?
👉 Are you willing to pay the price?
👉 Is it truly your own?
If a value doesn’t serve you, consciously stop acting on it.
For details, see: Do your values support the life you want?
4️⃣ Determine your core values
Your core values are the foundation of who you are. They offer your strongest guidance and shape your decisions. Identify your three core values (plus or minus one) by asking yourself questions like these, using the list you just created:
🤔 Which values matter most to me?
🤔 If I had to make a tough choice, which values would I refuse to compromise?
🤔 Which values would I want on my tombstone?
🤔 Which values show up consistently across different areas of my life?
You can use techniques like pairwise comparison to rank your values.
Highlight or circle your core values so they stand out.
5️⃣ Periodically reflect
Set aside time, for instance once a month, to review your list of values and adjust it as needed. It can take weeks or months to fully understand what your values are and what they truly mean to you. Over time, some values may grow in importance while others fade, especially after major life events like becoming a parent. Stay open to new experiences and insights. They can deepen your understanding and keep your values aligned with who you are becoming.
Additional tips
👉 Knowing your values isn’t enough. You have to live them. Click here to find out how.
👉 Take your time. Values don’t always surface right away. Let ideas sit for a few days, then come back and see what still feels true.
👉 Notice strong emotions. Pay attention to what frustrates, excites, or inspires you. Strong emotional reactions often reveal what you care about most.
👉 Look for patterns. Review your list and spot recurring themes. They often point toward your core values.
👉 Ask others. The people who know you best can often see what drives you more clearly than you can.
👉 Trust your gut. If a value feels off or forced, drop it. Your values should feel natural and personal, not like something you “should” have.
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Your personal values are the foundation of who you want to be and how you want to act every day. Knowing them is just the beginning. The real work is living them. Find out how in: How to live more in line with your personal values.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, By Stephen R. Covey
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson
Personal Values: How to Know Who You Really Are, by Mark Manson
How to Find, Define, and Use Your Values, by Irina Cozma
9 Surprising Superpowers of Knowing Your Core Values, Psychology Today, by Meg Selig
Appendix A – Examples of personal values
Below are a few examples of personal values. If you want a longer list, try searching online for “personal values list.” Remember, values are about doing and being—how you want to behave and the kind of person you want to be.
Values related to ourselves
Achievement – doing your best and aiming high
Balance – living with a sense of proportion, avoiding extremes
Challenge – seeking out and engaging in challenging experiences
Courage – doing what feels right or necessary, even when it’s hard
Creativity – coming up with original ideas or doing things in new ways
Curiosity – wanting to understand people, ideas, or how things work
Excellence – striving to be outstanding at something that matters to you
Financial security – having enough to meet your basic needs
Fitness – staying physically active and maintaining your health
Freedom – choosing how you live and what matters to you
Gratitude – noticing and appreciating what’s good in your life
Health – taking care of your physical and mental health
Independence – thinking and acting for yourself
Integrity – staying true to your principles
Justice – treating people fairly and standing up for fairness
Meaning – doing things that feel meaningful to you
Meticulousness – paying attention to detail and doing things with care
Perseverance – sticking with something, even when it’s hard
Responsibility – owning your actions and their consequences
Self-compassion – being kind to yourself, especially when things go wrong
Wellbeing – looking after your overall sense of health and fulfillment
Values specifically related to family
Family time – spending meaningful time with your family
Parenting – being a loving, present parent
Values related to others (including family)
Authenticity – being genuine and real in your interactions
Boundaries – setting, respecting, and upholding boundaries
Caring – showing care and concern for others
Collaboration – working together toward shared goals
Connection – making meaningful connections with others
Coaching – helping others grow and develop
Conscientiousness – being careful, reliable, and mindful of your responsibilities to others
Contribution – offering something valuable to a group or cause
Empathy – seeing the world through someone else’s eyes
Honesty – being truthful with yourself and others
Loyalty – standing by someone or something you believe in
Nature – spending time in and feeling connected to nature
Respect – treating others with respect and dignity
Safety – preventing harm and creating a sense of security
Service – helping others in practical or meaningful ways
Support – being there for others when they need you
