Discover and live by your personal values
Figure out how you want to behave and who you want to be.
What three words best describe who you want to be?
Are your daily actions showing the person you truly want to be?
Ready to figure out your values and start living the life you want?
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Your personal values shape how you want to behave and the person you want to be. They guide your daily actions and decisions. As you grow and change, your values will too—and that’s completely natural. Getting clear on your values is the first step to living a life that feels real and true to you.
Personal values
Your personal values are about how you want to act and the kind of person you want to be. They’re your personal how— the qualities you choose to guide your actions and your way of being. These values form the stories you tell yourself about the person you want to show up as in the world. They shape your answers to questions like “How do I want to relate to the world around me?” and “What kind of person do I want to be?” For instance, someone might want to act honestly (value: honesty) and approach life with originality and fresh ideas (value: creativity). You’ll find more examples of values in Appendix A.
Only you can decide how you want to live your life, so only you can choose which personal values matter most to you. This doesn’t mean focusing just on yourself. It means taking charge of what’s important to you instead of letting others decide for you. You don’t need to defend or justify your values—though, as you’ll see later, some values are more helpful than others. The same goes for other people. When someone has different values, it doesn’t mean theirs are better or worse—just different, shaped by their own experiences and choices.
Your values aren’t fixed—they shift as your life circumstances and perspectives change. Life events, new experiences, and fresh insights can change what matters most to you. A value that felt essential years ago may become less important, while new values can rise in importance as you grow. For example, you might focus on career success in your twenties but later place greater value on family or health. Staying open to this natural change helps your values stay meaningful and relevant, guiding you to make choices that truly reflect who you are today.
Values aren’t goals. Goals have an end date—once you reach them, they’re done. Values, on the other hand, are ongoing and don’t have an endpoint. Being honest, for example, is a lifelong process. If you stop being honest, you’re no longer living by that value. Your values shape how you move toward your goals by guiding your behavior, influencing the choices you make, and shaping how you act along the way.
You can control how you behave—you have the ability to choose your actions. Your behavior shows what you truly value; it reflects your personal values. Actions speak louder than words. For example, you might say fitness matters to you, but you’re out of breath after climbing a single flight of stairs. You might believe gratitude is important, but you’re never satisfied and always want more. You may value nonviolence, but sometimes you act angrily in ways that don’t match that value. Your character is shaped by the values you choose to live by. Others recognize those values as character traits that define who you are. For example, if you’re known for taking your obligations to others seriously, people see you as conscientious.
To close the gap between your personal values and your daily actions, turn your values into clear, practical principles you can live by. Values are about HOW you want to live. To discover WHAT you want to do, figure out your life purpose.
The importance of knowing your personal values
Your personal values are like a compass. They guide your actions, words, and decisions—toward how you want to live and who you want to be. Focusing on your values brings you back to what really matters.
👉 Knowing which of your values apply makes decisions easier. Say a relative treats you badly—how do you respond? If you value respect, you’ll treat them with respect. If you also value your own wellbeing, you might choose to spend little or no time with them. When your decisions reflect your values, you’re less likely to feel regret or blame yourself later.
👉 Knowing your values can give you the courage to act when it counts. If you value justice, you speak up when someone’s treated unfairly. If you value honesty, you tell the truth about what you think or feel—even if others don’t like it. It can also lead to healthier habits.
👉 Knowing your values can motivate you to build healthier habits. Say a heavy smoker becomes a father. He decides to quit—not just for himself, but because being there for his child matters more. If he values family and care, staying healthy becomes part of how he lives by those values.
Sometimes values pull you in different directions. You then have to choose which one matters most right now—and act accordingly. Say your company offers a promotion with a big salary increase, but it requires frequent travel. You value time with your family, and you also value giving them financial security. After thinking it through, you accept the offer. Right now, security matters more to you and your family. While you’re away, you call home every night. It’s not the same as being there, but it’s one way to stay present in what matters.
How to figure out your personal values
Create your list of personal values using one or more of the techniques below. Then, review the list to make sure it feels complete. Next, think about how helpful each value is for you. Finally, pick your core values.
1️⃣ List your personal values
Use one or more of the techniques below to create your list of personal values. Write them down—you’ll need your list for the next steps and for future reference. Remember, values are about how you want to behave (doing) and the kind of person you want to be (being). Appendix A has some examples to get you started.
Give each value a name and a short description of what it means to you, starting with “I”—for example, “Honesty – I am honest with myself and others.” It’s important to put each value into your own words, because just the name is too general. Keep it brief—one clear, personal sentence is enough.
Grab a pen and paper or open a new document. Write ‘Personal Values’ at the top of the page, then start your list. Aim for around ten to fifteen values.
👉 The funeral
Picture yourself arriving at a funeral. You walk in as quiet, somber music plays. You pass close family, distant relatives, friends, and a few people you’ve worked with. You can feel the shared grief in the room. But no one notices you. You reach the coffin, look inside—and realize it’s your own funeral, a few years from now.
Three people are going to give a short speech. Take a moment to answer these questions:
🤔 What do I want them to say about my character?
🤔 What kind of person, partner, parent, child, friend, or colleague do I hope their words reflect?
Your answers to these questions point to your personal values. For example, maybe you want them to say you were curious about many things (curiosity), a loving parent to your children (parenting), and someone who took responsibility for your actions (responsibility).
👉 Your 100th birthday
Instead of imagining your funeral, picture your 100th birthday. What would you like people to say about your character?
👉 Life values questions
Write down your answers to one or more of the questions below. Assume no one’s judging you, and you don’t have to please or impress anyone. Just be honest with yourself.
🤔 What kind of person, partner, parent, child, friend, employee or colleague do I want to be?
🤔 What personal qualities do I want to bring to my relationships or to work?
🤔 If I were the kind of person I want to be, how would I treat others?
🤔 What does being a good partner, parent, child, friend, or colleague mean to me?
Notice that all these questions focus on how you want to be—not how you want others to be. Your answers point to your personal values. For example:
Family time – I’m a parent who makes time for family.
Respect – I treat myself and others with respect.
Authenticity – I’m honest and genuine in how I connect with people.
👉 From personal goals to values
To go from your personal goals to your personal values, see the article ‘What you think you want is not what you really want’.
2️⃣ Check your list of values
Check your list of values by answering the question
🤔 Which personal values am I missing?
For example, if you go to the gym five times a week to lift weights and do aerobic exercises, you’d expect to see something like:
Fitness – I do whatever it takes to stay fit.
Add any missing values to your list.
3️⃣ Validate your list of values
Some personal values are more helpful than others for creating the kind of life you want. Go through your list and check each value against the criteria below.
The value must be grounded in reality
If a value isn’t grounded in reality, it sets you up for struggle against reality—and that’s a fight you’ll always lose. For example, aiming to be happy all the time isn’t a helpful value. You weren’t built to feel constant happiness. Chasing it nonstop can actually make you feel less happy. The same goes for wanting everyone to like you or needing everything you do to be perfect. That’s just not how life works.
The value must be constructive
Choose values that have a beneficial effect—on yourself, on others, or both. For example, aggression doesn’t qualify. It’s destructive: it harms others, strains relationships, and often escalates problems instead of solving them. The same goes for spite. It might feel satisfying in the moment, but it usually leads to more conflict, not resolution.
You must be able to fully control the value
A value you can’t fully control makes your happiness depend on things outside yourself. For example, wanting to be popular isn’t helpful because you can’t control what others think. The same goes for wanting to be famous or rich—those depend on outside factors too. You only have full control over values that come from within, like honesty, creativity, or integrity.
You must be willing to the price that comes with living the value
A value only works if you’re willing to pay the price that comes with living it. For example, being authentic might upset or annoy some people. Staying physically fit means committing to regular exercise. Being healthy could mean cutting back on alcohol and getting more sleep. Are you willing to pay that price?
If a personal value doesn’t meet one or more of these requirements, think about how it affects you and those around you. If it doesn’t support the life you want, consider removing it from your list and stop living by it.
4️⃣ Determine your core values
Your core values form the foundation of who you are. They provide your strongest guidance and shape your decisions. Find your three core values (plus or minus one) by asking yourself questions like these, using the list of personal values you just created:
🤔 Which values matter most to me?
🤔 If I had to make a tough choice, which values would I refuse to compromise?
🤔 Which values would I want on my tombstone?
🤔 Which values show up consistently across different areas of my life?
You can also try techniques like pairwise comparison to rank your values. Appendix B has a quick overview of how to do that.
Highlight or circle your core values so they stand out on your list.
5️⃣ Periodically reflect
Set aside time regularly to review your list of values and adjust it as needed. It often takes weeks or months to fully grasp what your values are and what they truly mean to you. Over time, some values may become more important, while others may lose priority—especially after major life events like becoming a parent. Staying open to new experiences and insights can deepen your understanding and keep your values aligned with who you are becoming.
How to live more in line with your personal values
It’s not enough to know your values—you have to live them. There are many reasons you might fall out of step with your values—low self-esteem, fear of rejection, pressure to please others, or the pull of short-term comfort. But in a life that feels well-lived, your actions match your personal values—they reflect the kind of person you want to be. That’s what integrity means: acting in line with what matters to you.
Once a week or once a month, pick one of your values to focus on. Then make decisions and take action that reflect that value.
1️⃣ Choose a value to work on
Assess how much you’re already living by your personal values, then pick the one you want to focus on improving.
Using your list of values, write down your answers to these questions:
🤔 Which of my values am I living by right now?
🤔 Which of my values am I neglecting?
🤔 Which value do I want to start working on?
Don’t be hard on yourself if you’ve been neglecting your values for a while. Everyone loses touch with what matters sometimes. What counts is what you do now. Reconnect with your values and let them guide your next steps.
2️⃣ Align your decisions and actions with the value you’ve chosen
Let’s say you’ve been neglecting your health and want to live more in line with the value health. When facing a decision that affects your health, ask yourself:
🤔 What would a healthy person do?
Would they take the stairs or the elevator? Choose water or a sugary drink? Go to the gym or skip it? Then act on what you believe that healthy person would choose.
You can ask a question like this for any value, because values are about how you want to act and who you want to be. What would someone who values financial security do? What would an honest person do?
Living by a personal value isn’t always easy—especially when it means stepping outside your comfort zone. But uncomfortable thoughts or feelings don’t have to decide your actions. In fact, discomfort can be a sign that you’re doing something meaningful. What matters is the choice you make in the moment. Ask yourself:
🤔 Am I going to act on my values or on how I feel right now?
Additional tips
👉 Start small: Choose one small decision or action each day that reflects a core value. Over time, these add up to meaningful changes.
👉 Accept imperfection: Living your values isn’t about being perfect. It’s about doing your best in each moment and learning as you go. Be gentle with yourself.
👉 Be mindful: Notice when your actions don’t match your values. Instead of judging yourself, be mindful of those moments. Use them as gentle reminders to bring your behavior back in line with what truly matters to you.
👉 Be patient: Changing habits and living by your values takes time—give yourself that space.
👉 Share your values: Talk about them with people you trust. It helps you stay committed and can inspire others too.
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Your personal values are the foundation of who you want to be and how you want to act every day. Knowing them is just the start. What truly matters is choosing—over and over—to act in ways that reflect what’s most important to you. That’s how you build integrity: by living your values, no matter what life brings.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, By Stephen R. Covey
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson
Personal Values: How to Know Who You Really Are, by Mark Manson
How to Find, Define, and Use Your Values, by Irina Cozma
9 Surprising Superpowers of Knowing Your Core Values, Psychology Today, by Meg Selig
Appendix A – Examples of personal values
Below are a few examples of personal values. If you want a longer list, try searching online for “personal values list.” Remember, values are about doing and being—how you want to behave and the kind of person you want to be.
Values related to ourselves
Achievement – doing your best and aiming high
Balance – living with a sense of proportion, avoiding extremes
Challenge – seeking out and engaging in challenging experiences
Courage – doing what feels right or necessary, even when it’s hard
Creativity – coming up with original ideas or doing things in new ways
Curiosity – wanting to understand people, ideas, or how things work
Excellence – striving to be outstanding at something that matters to you
Financial security – having enough to meet your basic needs
Fitness – staying physically active and maintaining your health
Freedom – choosing how you live and what matters to you
Gratitude – noticing and appreciating what’s good in your life
Health – taking care of your physical and mental health
Independence – thinking and acting for yourself
Integrity – staying true to your principles
Justice – treating people fairly and standing up for fairness
Meaning – doing things that feel meaningful to you
Meticulousness – paying attention to detail and doing things with care
Perseverance – sticking with something, even when it’s hard
Responsibility – owning your actions and their consequences
Self-compassion – being kind to yourself, especially when things go wrong
Wellbeing – looking after your overall sense of health and fulfillment
Values specifically related to family
Family time – spending meaningful time with your family
Parenting – being a loving, present parent
Values related to others (including family)
Authenticity – being genuine and real in your interactions
Boundaries – setting, respecting, and upholding boundaries
Caring – showing care and concern for others
Collaboration – working together toward shared goals
Connection – making meaningful connections with others
Coaching – helping others grow and develop
Conscientiousness – being careful, reliable, and mindful of your responsibilities to others
Contribution – offering something valuable to a group or cause
Empathy – seeing the world through someone else’s eyes
Honesty – being truthful with yourself and others
Loyalty – standing by someone or something you believe in
Nature – spending time in and feeling connected to nature
Respect – treating others with respect and dignity
Safety – preventing harm and creating a sense of security
Service – helping others in practical or meaningful ways
Support – being there for others when they need you
Appendix B – Pairwise comparison
This technique helps you figure out which values matter most to you right now.
Use the list of personal values you've chosen and follow these steps:
👉 Start with the first value on your list. Compare it to the second one and decide which one matters more to you. Give one point to that value—you can’t split the point. Then compare the first value to the third, then the fourth, and so on—each time giving a point to the one that feels more important.
👉 Now move to the second value and do the same: compare it to the third, then the fourth, and so on—always giving one point to the value that matters more to you.
👉 Keep going until you’ve compared every value to all the ones that come after it.
👉 Add up how many points each value received.
The values with the highest scores—usually your top three—are your current core values.
Here’s a simple example using just a few values:
