What you think you want is not what you really want
Seeing beyond goals to your deeper needs and values.
Do you know what you really want?
What if your current goal isn’t the best way to get it?
Can you tell the difference between a desire and a deeper need?
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To shape a life that matches your needs and values, you need to understand what you truly want. That’s often different from what you think you want. To uncover what you really want, grab a pen and paper or open a document and answer this question:
🤔 What do I really want?
Write a sentence like:
What I really want is [fill in the blank], and [fill in the blank], and so on.
Don’t overthink it, just note the first things that come to mind.
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Most people list goals:
🎯 What I really want is to be a millionaire, get married, retire by fifty, buy a bigger house, or travel the world.
Goals and real wants
A goal is something you aim to achieve by a certain time. Once reached, it’s no longer a goal. Goals give direction and energy to your actions, but they are not what you truly want. Your real wants are what the goal provides and what it allows you to do. Goals are simply a way to satisfy them. For example, getting married may reflect a need for deep connection, while becoming a millionaire may reflect a desire for financial security.
Real wants reveal what matters most and the kind of person you aspire to be. They are tied to needs such as autonomy and connection, and values, like courage, curiosity, integrity, loyalty or service. Needs and values are ongoing, while goals are temporary. For a fulfilling life, choose goals that reflect your values. Goals that don’t align can pull you away from what you really want.
Many ways to fulfill a real want
A real want can be met in multiple ways. Achieving your current goal is just one option, and it might not be the best one. Understanding the why behind a goal opens other paths. This lets you choose the easiest or most effective one and helps you find alternatives when you get stuck.
Many people think happiness comes only after reaching a goal, which can make life feel like a waiting game. Living by your values brings fulfillment now. For example:
👉 Susan feels unhappy because she is still single. She focuses on the goal of finding a loving partner, but what she really wants is to be caring. She can practice this right away with herself, her family, and her friends. This doesn’t stop her from seeking a partner, but she doesn’t have to wait to experience the fulfillment of being caring.
👉 John works long hours to retire by fifty. He feels unhappy because everything hinges on that one goal. His real want is more time with his family, something he can act on immediately. He can be home for dinner every day, cut his hours, or work from home some days. Once he sees the real want, he has more than one path to it.
This process works like trying on clothes. You pick an outfit, check the mirror, see it’s really about your style, try a few others, and choose the one that fits your style best.
How to find your real want
To discover what you really want, look at what you wrote earlier. Do any goals appear in your answer?
For each goal, ask:
🤔 Why do I want to achieve this goal? What deeper purpose does it serve?
Reflect on what achieving this goal will bring you, what it will allow you to do that matters, or how it will help you become the person you want to be.
If your answer leads to another goal, repeat the process. Keep digging until you uncover your real wants: the needs or values you can live by now.
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Understanding your real wants lets you find the best way to fulfill them, whether that means refining your current goal or choosing a new one.
Related articles
You might find these related articles helpful:
🔗 How to replace a bad habit by understanding its underlying motive
🔗 Uncover what motivates your goal
References
The happiness trap; by Dr Russ Harris.
