Break free from the self-stories that hold you back
Don’t let self-stories limit your life.
We all carry stories about who we are. Some help us grow, and some keep us stuck. What might open up if you stopped believing the ones that hold you back?
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Self-stories are the narratives we tell ourselves about who we are. They can focus on traits, like being kind, brave, selfish, or resilient; abilities, such as believing we can lead a team or learn a new skill; social identity, like seeing ourselves as an outsider or the responsible one; and life patterns, such as always failing at new projects or being unlucky in love. These stories shape how we think, feel, and act. They influence our interpretations, expectations, health, relationships, work, finances, and personal growth more than we often realize. Their influence is strongest when they focus on traits we don’t want but fear we have.
Negative self-stories can cause stress and anxiety, strain relationships, hold us back from new opportunities, and keep us from reaching our goals. For example, believing we are flawed or not good enough can leave us constantly stressed. Thinking we are boring or awkward can lead us to isolate ourselves or neglect relationships, and believing we are disorganized might make us avoid new projects or responsibilities. Once these patterns form, they’re hard to break and can greatly affect our quality of life.
We tend to act in ways that align with a self-story. Each time we do, we reinforce it, strengthening its hold over us. For example, if we believe we’re socially awkward, we might skip social events, which reinforces the belief. Avoiding these situations keeps us from learning social skills, and over time, the belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Our self-stories are opinions, subjective judgments about who we are and thoughts we treat as facts. These opinions are often distorted, incomplete, or even false. It’s better to hold them lightly than take them too seriously, especially when they don’t help us live the life we want.
The stories we tell ourselves about who we are can also create “shoulds,” expectations we feel we must meet. For example, if we see ourselves as generous, we might feel we should always help others, even at our own expense. These "shoulds" create pressure and stress, so try not to "should" yourself.
Ultimately, unhelpful self-stories can keep us from living the life we want and becoming the person we aspire to be. Breaking free from them opens space for change and growth.
Influence of biases
Our minds naturally lean toward negativity, so we often create self-critical stories that highlight our flaws and downplay our strengths. The focusing illusion makes these flaws seem bigger than they are. Confirmation bias leads us to notice only evidence that supports our self-stories while ignoring anything that doesn’t. WYSIATI (What You See Is All There Is) bias intensifies this, causing us to overlook what’s missing.
For example, if one social interaction goes poorly, we might label ourselves unsociable, forgetting we’re often outgoing in other situations. We might then doubt someone trying to befriend us, thinking they wouldn’t want to be friends with someone unsociable. If someone seems annoyed by us, we take it as proof of our unsociability.
How to break free from the self-stories that hold you back
A self-story is not helpful if it stops you from living the life you want and becoming the kind of person you want to be. There are different ways to loosen the grip of these unhelpful stories. Below are several techniques that can help you do that.
Breaking free from the self-stories that hold you back is like clearing weeds from your garden, giving space for the flowers you want to grow.
⚒️ Hold your self-stories lightly
Create mental distance from your self-stories to reduce their negative impact. A self-story is just a thought you believe to be true, so the goal is to treat it as a thought, not a fact. Try these techniques:
👉 Add the phrase “I am telling myself the story that…” before the self-story. For example, instead of saying “I am socially awkward,” say “I am telling myself the story that I am socially awkward”.
👉 Give your story a name, like “the socially awkward story.” When it shows up, acknowledge it by name: “Ah, here’s the socially awkward story again.”
👉 Silently sing your story to a cheerful tune, such as Happy Birthday or Happy from Despicable Me 2.
👉 Add a question mark to your story. Instead of “I am socially awkward,” think “I am socially awkward?”
👉 Picture your stories as clouds drifting across the sky. Let them pass without judgment, and gently bring your focus back to what you’re doing.
By holding your self-stories lightly, you create space to act freely instead of being controlled by them. This opens the door to change and growth.
⚒️ Challenge who you think you are
This exercise helps you notice how your self-stories change across situations and lets you choose how you want to see and express yourself. Challenging who you think you are is like trying on hats. Each one shows a different way of being.
For details, see: Challenge who you think you are
⚒️ Loosen who you think you are
We often define ourselves by a single role that feels central to who we are: “I’m a pianist,” “I’m a student,” or “I’m a famous actor.” When that role disappears, we may ask, “Who am I without this role?” One way to avoid this is to define ourselves by our abilities, values, or interests: “I’m someone who solves problems and learns quickly.”
For details, see: Loosen who you think you are
⚒️ Act despite your self-stories
Act in line with what matters to you, even if your self-stories suggest otherwise.
We become what we repeatedly do. Acting on unhelpful self-stories holds us back from becoming who we want to be and building the life we want, because it reinforces our self-image. To change, we need to act according to our purpose and values, even if it goes against our self-stories.
For example, someone who sees themselves as an introvert might avoid talking to strangers. To be more outgoing, they could introduce themselves to one new person each week or make small talk with a cashier. Someone who thinks of themselves as pessimistic might expect the worst. To be more optimistic, they could practice daily gratitude and imagine situations turning out better than expected.
See also: Act despite what you feel
Additional tips
👉 Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your feelings and struggles without judgment and remember that it’s okay to be imperfect.
👉 Challenge negative thoughts: Question and reframe self-stories. Ask if they are based on facts or assumptions and replace them with more balanced, realistic perspectives.
👉 Mindfulness: Stay present and aware of your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them.
👉 Seek support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist. An outside perspective can help you see your self-stories more clearly and offer guidance in reshaping them.
👉 Engage in activities you enjoy: Do things that bring joy and fulfillment. Positive experiences reinforce healthier self-stories and provide a welcome break from negativity.
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Using these techniques, you may notice that your self-stories are too broad and that you emphasize different parts in different situations. You might also see that you have multiple ways to think about yourself and don’t have to stick to just one version. Focus on the self-stories that help you move from where you are to where you want to be.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
A Liberated Mind, by Steven C. Hayes, PhD
