Challenge who you think you are
Question your self-stories to expand your sense of self.
Self-stories are the stories you tell yourself about who you are. They shape how you think, feel, act, and connect with others. Some help you grow. Others hold you back. This exercise will help you notice how those stories shift across situations and choose how you want to see and express yourself.
Challenging who you think you are is like trying on hats. Each one shows a different way of being.
Grab a pen and paper, or open a document on your computer, and write “I am / I am not” at the top. This is a slightly adapted version of an exercise from A Liberated Mind (see References).
1️⃣ I am
Write your answer to the next question as a statement of the form “I am …”
🤔 What personality trait do I like most about myself?
For example, you might write “I am smart.” If you’re unsure, see Appendix A for examples of personality traits you might like the most.
Leave some space below your statement.
Now, write your answer to the next question in a statement of the form “I am ….”
🤔 What personality trait do I most dislike about myself?
For example, you might write “I am boring.” If you’re unsure, see Appendix A for examples of personality traits you might dislike the most.
2️⃣ I am not always
For both statements, write your answers to the following questions beneath each one.
🤔 In which situations does this feel true?
🤔 In which situations does this feel less true or not true at all?
Take your time, don’t rush, and be honest with yourself. Approach your answers with curiosity rather than judgment. The goal is understanding, not labeling yourself.
For each statement, write down specific examples of situations where it feels true and situations where it does not. Notice how your own behavior contributes. For example, if being smart is the trait you like most about yourself, think about times when your actions make you feel smart and times when they make you feel less smart. Similarly, if being boring is the trait you dislike most, consider situations where your behavior makes you feel boring and times when it makes you feel interesting. Notice any patterns in how each trait shows up. Are there situations where the positive trait comes out most clearly, or the negative trait shows up more often?
You can find examples by looking at different areas of your life, such as physical health, emotional well-being, work (paid or unpaid), hobbies, family, community, or relationships. You can also consider the various roles you play, like parent, child, grandparent, friend, life partner, employee, colleague, citizen, coach, or mentor.
By noticing how your self-story changes in different situations, you can better choose how you want to see yourself. For example, you might be outgoing with your family but more reserved at work. This doesn’t mean you are just one or the other; you are both, depending on the situation. It also means that the skills you use in one situation can be applied in others. You can be more than one version of yourself. Different situations may bring out different traits, showing different sides of who you are.
3️⃣ Or not
For both “I am …” statements, change the period at the end to a comma and add the phrase “or not.” For example, write “I am smart, or not” or “I am boring, or not.”
Read each statement slowly a few times and notice what happens. Take your time. You might discover more ways to think about yourself and begin to open up to new possibilities.
4️⃣ Without stories
For both “I am” statements, cross out or delete everything you wrote after “I am.”
Then consider the question
🤔 Who would I be without all my stories?
Imagine what kind of person you would be without your stories. Think about how this would make you feel and what you might do differently. You might begin to notice that your deeper sense of self is simply about being. Your self-stories can sometimes make you forget this simpler, essential way of just being.
🎉👏🎈
Notice how your self-stories shift across situations. Embrace the ones that help you grow and release the ones that hold you back.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
A Liberated Mind, by Steven C. Hayes, PhD
Appendix A – Some examples of personality traits
If you find it hard to choose traits, the lists below might help you get started. They’re just examples, not limits. Add any words that fit you better.
Some examples of personality traits you might like the most:
I am … intelligent, smart, assertive, caring, kind, introverted, extroverted, energetic, creative, funny, resilient, hard-working, reliable, honest, patient, flexible, open-minded, curious, respectful, optimistic, adventurous, empathic, trustworthy, loyal, decisive, helpful, fair, agreeable, conscientious, thoughtful, emotionally stable, calm, sociable, inventive, sensitive, disciplined, careful, trusting, confident, organized.
Some examples of personality traits you might dislike the most:
I am … boring, serious, shy, aggressive, jealous, selfish, arrogant, needy, introverted, extroverted, passive, pessimistic, disrespectful, lazy, impatient, dishonest, unreliable, stubborn, emotionally unstable, insensitive, cynical, defensive, sarcastic, inflexible, rigid, closed-minded, egocentric, greedy, apathetic, aimless, disloyal, indecisive, tactless, impulsive, insecure, judgmental, grumpy, neurotic, anxious, disorganized, suspicious, overcritical, manipulative, unimaginative, unsociable, socially awkward.
