Change habits by uncovering their motives
You don’t want the habit, but what it delivers.
You want to quit unhealthy snacking, excessive scrolling, smoking, or another bad habit. Yet here you are again, doing the thing you don’t want to do, asking yourself in despair: how can I break this cycle?
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Bad habits are actions you repeat regularly that can harm you over time. You keep doing them for the immediate positive feelings, while the damage happens gradually. Smoking relaxes you in the moment but damages your body over time. Sugary drinks feel good now, yet regular use can lead to obesity and type 2 diabetes.
To dismantle a bad habit, you can hide the cue, weaken the craving, make the response harder, or reduce the reward. If that doesn’t work, focus on the reason behind it. Keep the cue and reward, but change the response. Craving relaxation from cake? Go for a walk instead. Smoke because you want a break? Chew gum instead.
Every behavior has an underlying reason: the need it meets. A need is the desire to feel better. You might want to feel relaxed, loved, valued, entertained, healthy, safe, or happy. Your actions are driven by the desire to close the gap between how you feel now and how you want to feel. Sometimes you’re aware of the gap, other times you act without fully realizing why.
A habit is one way to meet an underlying motive. To feel a certain way, you repeat actions that bring that feeling. John lights a cigarette when he’s stressed, Amy drinks a sugary beverage when she’s thirsty, and Alex scrolls through social media when he’s bored. A habit is just a means to an end: you don’t want the habit itself, you want the feeling it gives. John wants to feel relaxed, Amy refreshed, and Alex entertained.
There are many ways to get the feeling you want, and a bad habit is rarely the best choice. John could try a short meditation, Amy could drink unsweetened green tea, and Alex could go for a quick walk. These healthier options deliver the same short-term benefit without the negative effects later.
Replace a bad habit with a better one
To replace a bad habit, focus on two key ideas:
👉 You don't want the habit itself; you want the better feeling it gives.
👉 There are many ways to achieve that feeling.
First, identify the cue, the response, and the reward of the bad habit. The reward is what you’re really seeking. Then, choose a healthier behavior that fulfills that need. Make the better behavior more appealing, and keep practicing it until it becomes your new habit.
1️⃣ Examine the bad habit
To examine a bad habit, ask yourself the following questions and answer as clearly as you can:
🤔 Response: What behavior do I want to change?
Identify the specific action you want to replace with a healthier one. For example: “I want to stop smoking,” “I want to cut back on sugary snacks,” or “I want to reduce screen time before bed.”
🤔 Cue: What triggers this behavior?
Notice what activates the habit. For example: “I smoke when I’m stressed,” “I reach for sugary snacks when I’m bored in the afternoon,” or “I use my phone in bed when I can’t fall asleep.”
Watch your unwanted behavior for a few days to see what triggers it. Most cues fall into five categories: location, time, emotional state, other people, or the action that came just before. Each time you feel the urge, pause and notice where you are, what time it is, how you feel, who’s around, and what you were doing. Write it down and look for patterns. This helps you tackle triggers and stick with change.
🤔 Reward (need): How does the response make me feel right away?
Notice how the behavior makes you feel in the moment. For example: “Smoking makes me feel relaxed,” “Eating sugary snacks gives me a quick energy boost,” or “Checking my phone gives me a sense of connection.”
Finding the response and cue is usually straightforward, but the reward can be trickier. For example, when you smoke at work, ask yourself what you’re really getting. Do you want relaxation, a break from your desk, or connection with colleagues? You may need to try different things to figure out what you’re really craving, and it might take time. Think of yourself as a scientist experimenting. For example, to see if relaxation is what you want, try deep breathing or a short meditation. To check if you just need a break, step away from your desk without smoking. To see if it’s about social connection, chat with colleagues without smoking. When one of these alternatives reduces your urge, you’ve found what you really want. If not, keep exploring other options.
2️⃣ Choose a more helpful behavior
Once you understand the need driving the habit, choose a behavior that meets that need in a better way.
Make a list of options that could satisfy the need and replace the bad habit. Pull ideas from trusted sites, books, or podcasts. Many habits already have proven alternatives you can copy. Ask friends, your partner, or family for what has worked for them. If you want even more choices, run a short brainstorm or try brainwriting.
Next, pick one behavior from your list and try it for a week or two. The new behavior has to meet the need or it will never beat the old habit. After you test it, check in with yourself. How did it feel? Did it meet the need? If it seems to work, or you are still unsure, keep going. If it clearly misses the mark, figure out why and adjust it. Or try another option from your list until something clicks. Once you find a behavior that works, turn it into a habit by using the steps below.
You can write the habit you want to build as a implementation intention:
When [cue], I will [new routine] to get [reward].
3️⃣ Change your perspective
Make a new behavior more appealing by shifting how you think about it.
Many people use the word “have” when they talk about good habits that feel hard. They say “I have to go to the gym” or “I have to eat more vegetables.” If you replace “have” with “get,” it becomes “I get to go to the gym” or “I get to eat more vegetables.” This small shift turns an obligation (have) into an opportunity (get). Both views are valid, but the second one helps you move toward the habit instead of away from it.
You can also shift your perspective by focusing on the benefits instead of the hassles. Instead of thinking about how much time and energy a workout takes, think about the strength and stamina you’re building. Instead of focusing on the taste of vegetables, think about what they do for your long-term health.
This perspective shift creates a more encouraging mindset that makes it easier to stick with the habits you want.
4️⃣ Reinforce the new behavior
Keep reinforcing the new behavior until it becomes a habit.
We repeat actions that feel good right away and avoid those that don’t. Make the new behavior more appealing by celebrating it right after you do it. Use anything that lifts your mood, like saying something kind to yourself, smiling, or doing a small gesture. For example, say “Good job” and give yourself a thumbs up in the mirror. You can also reward yourself once in a while, like enjoying a piece of dark chocolate or setting aside a bit of money. Make sure the reward fits your purpose, values or needs. The more you practice the behavior and reinforce it, the more it becomes automatic. Once it feels automatic, you will not need to celebrate it as often.
Whenever you notice you’ve done (Oops!…I Did It Again!), or are doing, the behavior you want to stop, immediately switch to the positive behavior you want to adopt. For example, if you realize you have smoked or are smoking a cigarette, do the deep breathing exercises you want to replace it with. This breaks the habit loop between cue and reward, making it easier to insert the new behavior.
Additional tips
👉 Practice mindfulness: Spend a few minutes each day noticing your thoughts, feelings, and actions without judgment. This helps you spot cravings and make more conscious choices.
👉 Be kind to yourself: Setbacks are part of the process. Treat yourself with compassion and focus on what each experience can teach you.
👉 Manage unhelpful thoughts: Notice negative thoughts like “I’ll never be able to do this” and defuse or question them.
👉 Allow your feelings: Don’t push away uncomfortable emotions. Feel them without letting them hold you back.
👉 Find support: Talk to friends, family, or a support group. Sharing challenges provides encouragement and accountability.
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Changing a bad habit starts with understanding what you truly want from it. Identify the craving behind it and choose healthier ways to satisfy it. Stay curious, experiment, and be patient as you build habits that genuinely meet your needs. Every small success moves you closer to your goals, proves that change is possible, and boosts your confidence, making it easier to embrace other positive shifts.
Related articles
You might find these related articles helpful:
🔗 What you think you want is not what you really want
🔗 Uncover what motivates your goal
References
Atomic Habits, by James Clear
The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg
Build or Break Habits Using Science-Based Tools, Huberman Lab
