How to ease the grip of unpleasant feelings
Don’t let what you feel get in the way of what matters.
How often do negative feelings stop you from doing what matters most?
Are you exhausted from constantly battling difficult emotions?
What if you could face negative feelings without letting them take over?
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Emotions and feelings are part of everyday life. They show up in our bodies and influence what we do. Understanding how they work helps us respond more skillfully, instead of being controlled by them.
Emotions are waves of sensations in our bodies. Our heart might race, our breathing quicken, our chest tighten, our stomach knot, or our palms sweat. They can be triggered by a thought, a memory, or something around us. Most emotions pass quickly, even if we don’t always notice them. We experience them constantly.
Feelings come from how we interpret our emotions and the meaning we give to the sensations in our body. The same situation can spark very different feelings for different people, depending on their thoughts and the context. Our feelings are shaped by the stories we tell ourselves, which aren’t always true. These stories might involve our personality, self-esteem, ideal self, or feared self. For example, if our stomach knots and our palms sweat at a party, we might label it as anxiety because we don’t know anyone, while someone else might label it as excitement about meeting new people. Or if we see a snake, we feel fear if we think it is dangerous, but calm if we believe it is safe.
When our mind judges an event as good or helpful, we experience a pleasant feeling labeled as positive. These include happiness, joy, satisfaction, gratitude, awe, and excitement. When our mind judges an event as bad or harmful, we experience an unpleasant feeling labeled as negative. These include sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, guilt, boredom, shame, envy, contempt, disgust, disappointment, and frustration.
Some unpleasant feelings are completely natural. Grief after a big loss, anxiety before a challenge, or sadness when something important doesn’t work out can all feel painful. Still, they are a healthy and human response to the experiences life brings.
Negative interpretation bias
People with a negative interpretation bias tend to see situations and behaviors in a pessimistic light. If they notice someone smiling, they might assume the person is laughing at them instead of being friendly. A neutral comment from a coworker might be taken as criticism rather than a simple remark. Low self-esteem often plays a role, since people who doubt themselves are more likely to expect negative judgments from others. This way of interpreting events not only distorts how they see the world but also triggers unpleasant emotions like anxiety, shame, or frustration, which in turn reinforce those same negative stories.
We are not made to be happy all the time
Our brains did not evolve to keep us happy all the time. It’s natural to feel upset or sad when things go wrong or when someone hurts us. These feelings don’t mean something is wrong with us. There’s no need to hide them or feel ashamed. It’s okay to feel not okay sometimes, and we don’t need to fix ourselves. We can handle difficult feelings; they cannot harm us or ruin our lives.
How to ease the grip of unpleasant feelings
The following approaches can help lessen the impact of unpleasant feelings, such as not judging or fighting them, making space for them, and acting despite what you feel. They are provided for general educational purposes and are not a substitute for professional advice. If a feeling is causing significant distress or interfering with your well-being, it may be helpful to seek support from a licensed therapist or mental health professional.
Easing the grip of unpleasant feelings is like a duck shaking off water, shedding weight before flight.
⚒️ Stop judging what you feel
When we judge feelings as bad, we often end up fighting or avoiding them. This keeps us from noticing what they are trying to tell us and from taking helpful action. You can reduce the impact of unhelpful judgments by creating distance from them.
This article outlines strategies for doing exactly that: Stop judging what you feel.
⚒️ Stop fighting what you feel
We often try to resist unpleasant feelings because we want to feel good. But this can backfire and make things worse. Many of us try to numb difficult feelings with alcohol, food, or distractions like social media or shopping. If we stop fighting these feelings and simply allow them to be, they lose much of their power over us.
For more guidance, see: When did you find yourself in a spiral of difficult feelings today?
⚒️ Make space for what you feel
Judging and fighting unpleasant feelings tenses the body, tightens muscles, and shrinks posture. Arms and legs fold in, shoulders curl forward, and the head sinks, trapping the feelings inside. Allowing them space to move eases the body and lightens the emotional weight we carry.
To learn how, see: Make space for what you feel
⚒️ Act despite what you feel
After a brutal day at work, it’s easier to collapse on the couch than head to the gym. But our feelings don’t have to decide our actions. We can choose to act differently. When feelings pull us in an unwanted direction, ask yourself:
🤔 Will I act on my feelings, or on what matters?
For details, see: Act despite what you feel
Additional tips
👉 Practice self-compassion: Everyone experiences difficult feelings, and it’s okay to feel this way. Instead of being harsh or critical, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a good friend.
👉 Use mindfulness techniques: Focus on the present moment rather than getting caught up in negative thoughts about the past or future. This can help prevent your feelings from spiraling.
👉 Zoom out: Imagine viewing your situation from a distance, like a bird’s-eye view. This helps you see the bigger picture and reduces the emotional intensity of difficult feelings.
👉 Feelings are not facts: Just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean it’s true. For example, feeling unlovable doesn’t mean you are.
👉 Focus on what you can control: Take action where possible, even in small ways, to improve your situation. Accept that some things are out of your control and focus on how you respond to them instead.
👉 Set realistic expectations: When goals or anticipated outcomes are unrealistic, disappointment can follow. This gap between what we hoped for and reality can fuel frustration and dissatisfaction.
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Facing feelings without being controlled by them is a skill we can all build. Stop judging or fighting them, make space for them, and focus on taking actions that matter.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
The Important Difference Between Emotions and Feelings, Psychology Today, by Rachel Allyn Ph.D.,
