Become the person you want to be
Reshape who you are to reach your goals.
When you start working toward a goal, what’s the first thing you focus on?
Have you noticed the different ways people change their behavior?
How does your current identity shape your ability to change?
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Changing behavior or reaching goals is hard. Most of us start with what we want to achieve, like losing weight, finishing a project, or saving money. The BE-DO-HAVE model flips this. To get the results you want, start with who you want to be. Your identity shapes your actions. When new behaviors clash with how you see yourself, they are hard to stick with. Lasting change comes when you first become the kind of person who naturally does the behaviors you want to adopt.
Levels of behavior change
There are three levels of behavior change: outcomes, processes and identity.
👉 Outcomes (What)
The outcome level focuses on the results you want, such as gaining muscle, losing weight, quitting smoking, learning new skills, saving money, or becoming more social. These tangible goals guide your efforts to improve your life.
👉 Processes (How)
The process level focuses on the behaviors and habits that get you the results you want. For example, to gain muscle, you might go to the gym three times a week and follow a strength training routine. To lose weight, you could replace stress eating with healthier coping habits, like meditation or going for a walk when you’re stressed. Goals provide direction, but your systems, or the processes you follow, determine your progress.
👉 Identity (Who)
The identity level is about how you see yourself. It is shaped by the stories you tell yourself about the kind of person you are. Some stories hold you back, while others help you move forward. Your identity shapes the actions you take and the results you achieve, making it the foundation for lasting change.
Identity is like the wind on a bike ride. It can push you forward or hold you back.
Your goals reflect who you want to be. To gain muscle, you might need to change the self-story that you are not the type of person who enjoys working out to the story that you are someone who takes care of your body. To lose weight, you might need to change the self-story that you always give in to cravings to the story that you are someone who makes healthy choices.
Your identity can get in the way
How you see yourself strongly influences your ability to change. Old habits stick because they match your identity, while new habits are harder when they do not. Changing behavior is really about changing how you see yourself. Instead of just wanting to eat healthily, see yourself as a healthy eater. Instead of trying to exercise regularly, identify as someone who exercises. The goal is not just to run a marathon; it is to become a runner. It is not just about reading books; it is about becoming a reader.
Once a habit aligns with your identity, you stop trying to change it. This can be a problem if the habit is harmful or holds you back. If you have repeated the same story about yourself for years, it is easy to believe it is true. You resist behaviors that do not fit that story because they do not feel like “who you are.” The more your identity is tied to the story, the stronger your defense, and the harder it becomes to change or grow.
How to change your identity
You change who you are by changing what you do. Repeating an action strengthens the identity behind it, as each step provides evidence of that identity. Going to the gym once will not make you feel committed to fitness, but going several days a week for months will. Habits shape your identity because repeated behaviors reinforce it. Building a habit is a gradual process of becoming the person you want to be. Writing down your answers for the steps below can help you successfully change your habits and your identity.
1️⃣ Set the goal you want to achieve
We usually create or change habits to reach a personal goal, like losing weight, exercising more, or saving for retirement. A goal gives direction, focus, and motivation. Setting a goal is the first step in building or dismantling habits because it guides the behaviors needed to reach it.
If you haven’t set your personal goal yet, see:
2️⃣ Determine the kind of person who can achieve your goal
Picture your goal and work backward to identify the kind of person who can achieve it. Ask yourself:
🤔 What kind of person can achieve this goal?
🤔 What traits define that person?
For example: A person who runs a successful business is someone who is decisive, resilient, and open-minded.
For more information, see What kind of person can achieve this goal?
3️⃣ Act like the person you want to be
You’ve decided the kind of person you want to be. To strengthen that identity, act in ways that align with it. Ask yourself, “What would my desired kind of person do?” For example, what would a healthy eater do? Then act accordingly. Each aligned action reinforces the person you aspire to be, and over time, intention turns into your desired identity.
For more information, see Act like the person you want to be
4️⃣ Mentally rehearse to succeed
Reinforce the person you want to be by practicing mental rehearsal. Imagine yourself acting in ways that match that identity. For example, if you want to be a healthy eater, picture yourself at a restaurant choosing fresh fruit over dessert or water instead of a sugary drink.
For more information, see Mentally rehearse to succeed
Additional tips
👉 Acknowledge negative thoughts and feelings. Negative thoughts like “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never change” are normal. Remember, they are just thoughts, not facts. Notice them, defuse or question them, and allow yourself to feel difficult feelings without letting them hold you back.
👉 Ask others for support. You don’t have to do this alone. Share your goals with friends, family, or a support group. Supportive people keep you accountable, offer encouragement, and celebrate your progress, reinforcing the person you want to be.
👉 Practice self-compassion. Change is hard and setbacks are normal. Treat yourself as you would a close friend. Don’t criticize yourself if you stumble, just refocus and keep moving forward.
👉 Be patient with the process. Identity change takes time and consistent effort. Focus on progress, not perfection. Every small action moves you toward the person you want to be.
👉 Remember that identity is fluid. Your identity evolves as you grow. Be flexible, adjust your goals when needed, and keep learning about yourself.
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Achieving goals and changing behavior starts with reshaping your identity. By focusing on the person you want to be and consistently taking actions that align with that identity, you lay the foundation for lasting change.
References
Atomic Habits, by James Clear
