Praise less, notice more
Support curiosity and exploration rather than turning play into performance.
What if encouragement doesn’t need praise? Noticing a child’s experience instead of evaluating it helps them follow their own curiosity.
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A young child is completely absorbed in building a tall tower of blocks, eyes fixed on the pieces and hands moving slowly over them as they experiment. Their tongue peeks out in concentration as a top block wobbles; they adjust it carefully, testing how it fits as they explore what works. Each placement is part of their own discovery, driven by curiosity and the satisfaction of figuring things out.
Wanting to encourage them, we might offer well-intentioned praise like “Well done!”, “Good job!”, or “You’re so clever!” This pulls their attention from the process they’re immersed in to our evaluation of it, or even of them. An occasional comment is unlikely to matter, but when praise becomes a pattern, it can gradually shift experiments from self-directed exploration to performance for external approval, fostering controlled rather than autonomous motivation.
This matters because learning is not just about skills. It’s about where attention goes. Repeated often enough, praise can teach the child to seek external confirmation rather than stay with the work itself. This guidance is most relevant for children ages 1 to 5, when curiosity and motivation are shaped through everyday exploration.
Praising a child is like applauding in the middle of a theater play. The actor’s attention shifts from inhabiting the role to performing for the audience’s response.
Of course, children can benefit from encouragement when it helps them stay engaged and curious. Praise comes from care, because we want them to feel seen and supported. The key is to offer encouragement in ways that protect their intrinsic motivation and keep focus on the work itself. You don’t need to go silent or emotionally flat. You just shift how you respond. Encouragement can come from simply being there with them, and may include observing what they are doing or naming it.
Sometimes the most supportive response is no words at all. Simply be present and give the child space to stay fully absorbed in the work. If they look up, connect with a reassuring smile. If you feel the need to speak, pause and ask yourself:
🤔 Will this comment help my child stay curious and engaged?
🤔 Am I noticing the experience, or rewarding the outcome?
This small check helps you respond in a way that keeps the child’s focus on the work itself. Instead of rating what they do, you can use simple observations that stay close to their experience:
👉 “You stacked all the blocks by yourself.”
👉 “You kept trying even when it fell.”
👉 “You tried another way when it fell.”
👉 “That was tricky.”
These responses are possibilities, not prescriptions. They reflect the experience back to the child without turning it into something evaluated by us.
Consistent responses like this help children develop satisfaction in doing the work itself, rather than in external approval. Curiosity remains self-directed because no one is rushing in to evaluate the moment. Mistakes become part of exploration rather than something to avoid. Over time, focus deepens as the work itself becomes enough.
Noticing instead of praising is like letting a theater play run without interruption. The actor stays inside the role, and the experience unfolds on its own terms.
Parents and grandparents often show love through praise, and that warmth matters. This is not about withholding affection, but about offering it in ways that don’t interrupt the child’s exploration. A smile, a quiet comment that notices rather than judges, or simply being there can offer just as much connection, and often something more enduring.
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The most meaningful gift we can give children is not praise, but the space to explore, discover, and delight in the work itself.
