Address behavior, not character
Respond to what your child did without making it about who they are.
When your child does something you don’t like, do you focus on their behavior or their character? Addressing behavior helps them improve, whereas judging character can make them believe something is inherently wrong with them.
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A child leaves their clothes all over the floor. Do we call them messy or careless? Or do we encourage them to put things away by explaining why it’s important to keep their space tidy? When they interrupt during a conversation, do we call them rude, or do we explain the importance of letting people finish and prompt them to wait their turn? And when they hit a sibling, do we say they are mean, or do we explain that hitting people is not acceptable and guide them to find nonviolent ways to resolve conflicts?
We have a natural tendency to assume that a person’s actions reveal who they are, rather than taking the situation into account. We also tend to notice negative behaviors more than positive ones. Once we form a negative view of someone’s character, such as thinking they are “mean,” we focus on behaviors that seem to confirm it, reinforcing that negative impression. As parents, these tendencies may lead us to judge our children’s character instead of their behavior.
Consistently judging a child’s character can gradually convince them that something is inherently wrong with them. This undermines their self-image and confidence and can create shame around parts of themselves they see as wrong, such as being emotional, shy, or awkward. In response, they may avoid situations, like speaking up or trying new tasks; act out, for example by arguing or lashing out; or become overly controlling of their work in an effort to prevent criticism. It can strain the relationship with our child, undermining trust, increasing tension, and reducing their sense of safety and connection.
By contrast, addressing a child’s behavior enables them to develop more constructive ways to handle similar situations. This helps them manage impulses and feelings, learn appropriate behaviors, and handle challenges more effectively. Over time, this strengthens their confidence, builds competence, reinforces a sense of agency, and supports a positive self-image. It strengthens the relationship with our child, fostering trust, understanding, and a sense of safety.
When you feel the urge to judge your child’s character, pause and remind yourself that this is a natural but unhelpful tendency. Then calmly and clearly describe the specific behavior you want them to change and explain why it matters. Explaining the reason behind your request helps your child understand its importance. It signals that you take your child’s understanding seriously and encourages cooperation grounded in insight. Finally, invite your child to think about how they could handle the situation differently, giving them a sense of autonomy and responsibility.
This principle works for ourselves and others too. Instead of focusing on what we do, we often judge our character, labeling ourselves “lazy” for missing a deadline or “incompetent” for making a mistake. The same goes for others: we might call a colleague “careless” for forgetting a task or a friend “mean” for snapping in frustration. By separating behavior from identity, we create space to learn, respond thoughtfully, and maintain stronger relationships.
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By addressing what our children do rather than who they are, we help them learn, grow, and gain confidence while strengthening our relationship with them.
